fallinsummer

I tell you, it feels like the end of October, not the end of July. It's not just the weather, although it has been cloudy, cool, and I've even noticed leaves wafting down from trees. It's that it feels cloudy and cool and the light is a bit filtered, as if through an orangey-yellow lens like it is in fall. At night I lie in bed and shiver a little, snuggling down into my blanket and curling my legs up to my belly to encourage body heat. My skin is warm, but not fooled by itself. I lie awake listening to cars drive down the 5 on streets that sound wet.

Single Mom

This is a term that I have recently become uncomfortable with. The world single preceding the word mom implies, not only that the mother has no partner, but that she is alone in the process of being a mother. Seldom does one hear a man refer to himself as a single father and I think that speaks to the difference between men and women. Women are so ready, at every point, to let themselves be victims.

Snapshot of Grandpa Bruce upon reading A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings

The very old man with enormous wings reminds me of him. He too was very old and had a certain light of which only a glimmer remained. He would never allow us to watch television at night and instead read to us while we sat comfortably on his bony, fragile lap. His lips were purple and the skin looked so thin I thought it might break if I poked it with my finger. He drank warm beer and fed his dog, Ben, bland oatmeal on saltine crackers.

Once, my dog, Cinder got hold of a squirrel after it had eaten bait. Cinder went mad. I could hear him howling, a sound worse than coyotes fighting, worse than a woman screaming as her baby crowns and worse than anything I have heard since. I lay, hysterical in Grandpa Bruce’s lap while he stroked my hair and sang me songs from his youth with messages that did not make sense to my generation but had a soothing tone to them.

sigh

I went to bed last night feeling content. At first, I lay there, thinking about the happenings in my life, on becoming a Madrina, on Chad standing me up, on the possibility of my mom staying with me for a while.
Life is so confusing to me sometimes. Nonetheless, I can a content feeling as I lie there, contemplating the confusion. There is something satisfactory to me about all the chaos. I knew Chad would stand me up, which is why I wouldn't go out with him for so long; I know my mom needs help and feel that I can help her, and being a goddmother is (at least in my mind) a very special experience.

HOT