About Aaron-
There is something about him – an essence – something inside of him that I can sense , that I want to make love to; as if by fucking him tenderly and making him come will make this thing grow, make him stronger, prouder, more of a man.
–
My childhood consisted of family and other people who did not understand me and who I did not understand. This created in me a melancholy which caused me to see sadness in even beauty and seemed perpetually to make it necessary for me to hold back tears.
And these days I measure my pending moods by the weather. This morning it is overcast and the leaves of the trees dance up and out in the subtle breeze. The man on the radio said the clouds would burn off - or wouldn't. He said it could get up to 60, 80 or 90 degrees inland.
It's the not knowing that's exhausting.
--is it a wonder I cannot trust people or get close to them when I have never had anyone trustworthy to get close to? I sit here, a year and change after leaving the Navy and find myself in dire straights. I'm wondering where I will get money for food, whether I can pay my bills and hoping – because there is nothing left to pray to – that my landlord will not evict me. With all this fear in my heart I think about all of the people I've sacrificed for in the past who in my time of need are now ignoring my circumstances and all of the people with the means to help me who refuse to because they think it might develop in me a strength or a certain amount of character. This character and strength never come, but instead an inner hardness and disappointment at my ideals being crushed, seeping into the cracks.
3july09
At some point in our lives we come to realize that Santa Claus is not real. Strange then that some of us believers accept that anything that's too good to be true such as god or love, are also not real.
I question whether there is any true goodness in life.
–
I wonder if it is true that women always fall in love with men like their fathers. Is it impossible to love a man the opposite? Which type of man brings a woman true happiness?
If, as it is for me, my father is the type who never loved me, who is often absent during my hardships, who never understood me, but whose love I crave seemingly because he is my father and I am of the belief that a father and daughter should love one another. Is it better I love a man like this who will always cause my heart to break or a man who will never break my heart, but who I might never love?
I cannot help but be furious with myself for seeking men who do not want me. The word “furious” does not do justice my feelings. My stomach is sick because of it. It is the type of emotion, however, that because of its long time presence has become such a part of me, such an inevitability, that it no longer shows on my face or leaks out of the corners of mt eyes (open or shut, shaded or not), but has instead taken up residence in some new place. Someplace in me foreign and unknown. A place my body must have manifested especially for dealing with this new emotion.
I saw a story on television once about a woman in another country – one where people never see the doctor unless they are really dying. This woman became pregnant at a young age and when the child was due, instead of labor pains and first breaths, it was as if she had never been pregnant at all.
Eventually, she married and went on to deliver many healthy children. Her first was all but forgotten until near her final days when she awakened one night with such intense abdominal pains that her many children , most now grown, rushed her to the hospital a few towns away.
After making an incision from one side of her used and deflated belly to the other, the doctors retrieved a stone about the size of a baby. A closer examination and some handy saw work revealed the stone to be the woman's first child calcified like some strange egg. The doctors decided that at some point in her pregnancy all those years ago her body identified the baby growing within the womb as an invasion – an alien – and se about encasing it in layer apon laer of calcium thereby protecting itself from the supposed monster.
I wonder if one day medicine might cut me open to discover my heart cacooned and calcified in this way.
–
These past days I've seriously considered ending my life, contemplated the morality of it and brainstormed the logistics. The only thing stopping me is a glimmer of hope that tides will turn and my luck will change. After all, don't tides always wax and wane and statistically, isn't my luck due to change?
Once there were were men, then their were children, sometimes there was work, friendships or writing. Now not even drinking can induce in me a feeling of content.
My fear is that a suicide attempt would go wrong and that I would end up making my self and invalid or a retard. I get nauseas simply thinking about swallowing hand fulls of pills and can't be sure I have even the right type or combination to do the job.
And screw the morality of it. F there were any morality at all in the world – that is if anything really mattered – I wouldn't feel like ending it all.
–
Once in some military survival guide I read that if stranded someplace the best thing to do is establsh a physical routine straight away. Come to think of it, it was prisoner of war training. What to do if captured by the enemy. The theory, I suppose, is that a strong body would prevent a weak mind or disposition. But what if the enemy were able to tackle your will to exercise? Why, then you'd be a goner. Without will, what is man?
This could be my petition to my doctor for adderall. It's funny how shocked and intense people become when I mention that it might help me find motivation – a will.
“It's a very strong drug. Has incredible potential for abuse and addiction. It's essentially legal speed.”
Is it any worse than alcohol or cigarettes? Is it any worse than me wanting to die?
“I don't know any woman who isn't exhausted or isn't depressed.”
Discounting my feelings. Sometimes I notice people's reactions to my advice as generally dismissive. Personally I've found that sinus infections are made worse by treatment of drying drugs often prescribed to treat them and that a neti pot is just what the doctor should order.
People always seem to get the antibiotics though.
l;lmljpmljpjmkkjkhkjjgjhhehtbrhfhfhnifbngfbvizdfjbgorikfkbpojgjdpipjnjgjjur77h5guelfiyyoglbbojhpf5july09
her new favorite thing in the world was some brand of popcorn that she found tasted like real, but better movie theater popcorn. It was as if she had found the holy grail of popcorn and she didn't mind eating a whole bag or it at a time because she didn't eat anything else except watermelon in those days. Conscious as a mother with a baby on board, she pulled out of the grocerystore parking lot and into the chaos of road work. It was the beginning of summer and the serenity of it was always clouded up with orange cones and unpaved streets, detours and the constant “bweep, bweep, bweep” of the large trucks manuevering about.
A block from her house she spotted the ubiquitous blue truck that meant either power or gas was being paid attention to. Since her father worked for the gas and electric department she slowed to pay closer attention to who the vehicle belonded to. It was hard to miss his long, gray pony tail. He stood talking to two men, one of whom she knew from high school. Hers was a small town – less that 500 people and supported mainly through tourism of the Mission of the same name. Because of the size, she felt it might be rude to drive by witout saying hello.
She said hello to johnny and was introduced to his collegue. She gave her father an awkward hug. Apparently, johnny was an electrician and called the electic department for one of his jobs. She and johnny chatted for a bit and then she invited her father over for cookies because she knew he loved sweets even though she was aware that she had no cookies in her house and that it was a mess and he would surely have an opinion about all of that to share.
She never realized how it might be for a strager to traverse her mess. She was used to jumping over piles of books or pushing shoes and various strewn papers out of the way just to sit down. She listened as he complained under his breath. The cupboard was full of pasta, cans of tomatos, beans, brownie mix, but no cookies. Perhaps he would enjoy a granola bar. He thought he might. The counter was visibly covered in crumbs from who knows what and she tried to organize the piles of paper, gathered the empty beer and wine bottles.
“looks like you had a party here, Trish.”
“Yeah, it does. But I didn't. This is the result of a recent bender,” she said without looking at him.
“I think I might stop drinking.”
She knew that her father did not approve of her drinking. He himself had quit long ago but he was around her age when he did it. She remembered him chasing her mother around the driveway. Her hair was wild with curl and her nightgown clung to her belly as the wind ttried to push her into the headlights. Another time he broke a chair while she was sitting in it. He did this instead of hitting her. Her father often told her that she couldn't drink, that nobody in their family could. And then he would tell a story into which he wove a lesson or two.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
unconscious since september
6 Sept 2008
in hotel that is run by my Aunt Gayla. I am in bed white comforter, very comfortable. nice breeze from window above my head, it blows the curtain that was white, but turns red at some angles. The waiter enters my room. I scream at him to get out, but he will not. He cites a paragraph on the hotel payment agreement that I signed which allows them to enter whenever they please. I realize that I have no privacy because it is their hotel, not mine.
I am embarrassed because the room is a mess. I try to telephone someone to help me remove the waiter, but the phone is disconnected. Also, I have a baby in the room and I am afraid that they will charge me for an extra guest if they discover the baby. I pick the baby up (boy) and dress it in white with lots of decoration. it resembles a baptism garment. The baby and I are very close. I communicate with the baby and its presence calms me.
Eventually I leave the hotel but am charged a lofty toll. I realize that I do not want to go in the direction that the toll takes me and ask for a refund on my way in the other direction. There is a confrontation between me and the toll-keeper because he does not want to give me money. Eventually, I give up because every car behind me is waiting for me to move.
earlier
i live with Lucas and he annoys me. He tells me that I have $750 in parking tickets that I need to pay on top of rent and all my other bills. I am upset that I didn’t know about the parking tickets before. I tell him that I can pay the bills from my severance pay. He lectures me about spending that money. I tell him that it’s my money and it does no good to save it and not pay bills. If I owe the money I have to pay it sooner or later. He leaves the house through the back sliding glass door. The neighbor has his yellow porch light on and is on his porch in a fur coat. It is the neighbor from SD who always wore camouflage. I lock the door after Lucas leaves and decide I will cut him off after that point. I am embarrassed that the neighbor saw me behaving so ruthlessly. I feel he will never want a relationship with me thereafter that because I have the potential to be so irrational.
7 Sept 2008
Traveling on a (thing that’s a scooter, but standing). Around corners, cobblestone roads. I come upon a building and I am certain that I need to pass through there to reach my destination. The building is massive, with a river running through it. I travel for a great distance and realize I am lost. There are rooms filled with sick people and medical equipment. I ask someone for directions (a nurse?) and am told to turn back. That I shouldn’t have come into the building at all, but rather continued on the former road.
I turn around to get back on the road. Once there I am faced with an incredibly steep hill that surrounds the building. It’s landscaping, but for some reason, it’s so enormous that I have to swim through it. Some of the plants are very soft wheat that is easy to maneuver through. At one point I come across a dead bird (pheasant) and it makes me very upset. I desire to exit the wheat ASAP. When I decide to do this, the landscape grows more immense and the possibility of exit seems impossible. I eventually give up and have the feeling I am drowning.
As if a camera pans back, the landscape is simply that again - a normal sized landscape, then a substance in a tiny cup that I am looking at being held in someone’s hand. I realize this, but it has no impact on me.
Hotel: Corey and I sneak in. Someone else’s room. I ask to find an empty room. He obliges. We make love and declare our love to one another. somehow we were wet from being outside and were drying our close in the lobby on the heater grate. my sock falls in, but he manages to fish it and other articles of clothing out with a stick.
I am in charge of feeding a large group of people. I have no experience doing this, but for some reason, people think I am the best person for the job. I stand around and help out a little. On one of the days I realize that we don’t have enough food to feed everyone. I try to get someone to go to the store, but everyone is out doing what they would usually be doing. I panic because corey’s mom and gam are volunteers and I don’t want them to think me incompetent. Mayo, mustard packets. Hamburger fixings.
9.13.2008
I find Ben at the grocery store with a few other pilots. They are all wearing their coveralls with the redcock logo. He looked great and I said hello and he seemed surprised to see me, although he was in my hometown. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him I’d moved back.
We met each other in what I guess was my apartment. It was very small. We made love and the next day I thought he was gone. I washed dishes and chastised myself for doing the same thing over and over again. Just then, he came in to the kitchen and held me. He told me he loved me and he was so happy that now we could be together. I wondered about his wife, but I didn’t feel guilty about her.
9.14.2008
With Jenny at Rancho school. I am amazed that I am back there because I always have dreams that I am and that I have no idea when, where my classes are or where my books are. I tell this to a man who is giving us an orientation. I’m in my CNT whites with a skirt. Getting to school requires climbing up a ladder that got my skirt dirty. The orientator tells us that we have to wear our uniforms to school. I am upset because I really want to fit in with the other kids and I feel the uniform would prevent that. Jenny is with me and to my surprise, she is also in the Navy. She is a second class machinist mate. She is happy that I’m there and says “see, we’re the same.” I tell her we are not and point out that I am of higher rank than her. This makes me happy because I always felt inferior to her. I am then happy to be wearing my uniform.
At the ranch, but the ranch of my dreams. Whenever I have these dreams dad and mom are still married and Doug and I have a large part in running things. Aunt Lori is there and a group of us are in the kitchen. I look out the window and notice a cat coming up the hill through the grass. Suddenly, the cat rears up and starts walking on hind legs. I am astonished and call the group to the window to look. Suddenly, another cat comes out from the same place. This cat had three heads, one on the back, one where it should be, and one protruding from that connected by a neck. This makes me afraid because it is so different. I fear that the cats are evil and try to tell someone, but everybody thinks I am overreacting. I am very upset.
25 Sept 08
my teeth become very weak and start to fall out. First just one tooth, then a few at a time. In the end I had all my teeth in my hand and they were connected to a jawbone. Some of them were sawed down close, others remained normal size. I kept carrying these around asking people what could bee done and even putting them back in my mouth because I was embarrassed that I had not teeth.
someday in march 09
not a dream, but a thought, a revelation rather. i’m depressed because i sit on my couch and watch tv all of the time. I really want to get rid of the tv, but a comment April made one day keeps me from it. she said that i had to have a tv because it would be sad if i didn’t. like only sad people don’t have tv. i have to admit that it made sense to me. it’s weird if people don’t have tv. i don’t know why. maybe it’s that it seems that without a tv someone is disconnected from culture. am i saying that american culture is tv. i can’t say it might not be.
anyhow, back to the revalation. perhaps i wouldn’t be so tired if i excercised once in a while. i mean, maybe i’m tired because i never really wake up.
decorating:
only colors found in a garden after it rains.
names:
girls: beatrix, delores, penelope, celsa, cat, cookie, althea, rose
boys: bruce, duke, everett, tennessee, basil, sage
companies: 817, la fatoria, tenfour,
8 march 09
11 may 09
last night i dreamed that all of my teeth fell out from poor hygiene. my father examined one and declared that he could tell I'd done meth in my past. A dark ring around one of my crowns was the evidence. i was so mortified that all of my secrets would eventually be revealed. i thought this might keep me out of heaven. especially since god is supposed to see everything, even things not evidenced. sheer justice, i suppose.
there is a woman coming in the front door. she rushes in as if out of a rainstorm and removes her black coat. since there is no coat rack and she is forced to hold it - but decides better and tosses it on the floor and steps over a few pair of shoes laying in the middle of the living room next to several books on various subjects and with covers bent back as a bookmark. she begins moving things from one place to another on a filthy counter. upon further inspection, a person might find at least three empty bottles of wine, last night's cut lemons, cracker crumbs, mail - some opened, some not - a half full pot of coffee that had been sitting there so long it had a beautiful green-blue film of mold.
the woman rushing about can only think of her pending responsibilities and her health suffers from the anxiety and depression induced thereby.
is choosing to have a child despite strong genetic dispositions toward illnesses such as depression immoral? After all, a depression is similar to a mental retardation of sorts. and, even if the illness was not passed down to the child, is it fair to have child when there is a possibility of relapse where the child's health might be in jeopardy.
anyway, i feel i am being watched. i feel like any minute now a man will come in here and kill me very slowly. perhaps he already comes in here and that's what's killing me.
12 may 09
when faced with extenuating circumstances, each person has the choice to either react courageously or not. I do not believe that a person can know how they might react until actually experiencing it.
hypothetically,
If in battle you realize you are outnumbered do you retreat or fight until death?
what if you and your boyfriend were kidnapped and tortured and they said they would hurt you if you didn't throw him under the bus. Would you do it?
in hotel that is run by my Aunt Gayla. I am in bed white comforter, very comfortable. nice breeze from window above my head, it blows the curtain that was white, but turns red at some angles. The waiter enters my room. I scream at him to get out, but he will not. He cites a paragraph on the hotel payment agreement that I signed which allows them to enter whenever they please. I realize that I have no privacy because it is their hotel, not mine.
I am embarrassed because the room is a mess. I try to telephone someone to help me remove the waiter, but the phone is disconnected. Also, I have a baby in the room and I am afraid that they will charge me for an extra guest if they discover the baby. I pick the baby up (boy) and dress it in white with lots of decoration. it resembles a baptism garment. The baby and I are very close. I communicate with the baby and its presence calms me.
Eventually I leave the hotel but am charged a lofty toll. I realize that I do not want to go in the direction that the toll takes me and ask for a refund on my way in the other direction. There is a confrontation between me and the toll-keeper because he does not want to give me money. Eventually, I give up because every car behind me is waiting for me to move.
earlier
i live with Lucas and he annoys me. He tells me that I have $750 in parking tickets that I need to pay on top of rent and all my other bills. I am upset that I didn’t know about the parking tickets before. I tell him that I can pay the bills from my severance pay. He lectures me about spending that money. I tell him that it’s my money and it does no good to save it and not pay bills. If I owe the money I have to pay it sooner or later. He leaves the house through the back sliding glass door. The neighbor has his yellow porch light on and is on his porch in a fur coat. It is the neighbor from SD who always wore camouflage. I lock the door after Lucas leaves and decide I will cut him off after that point. I am embarrassed that the neighbor saw me behaving so ruthlessly. I feel he will never want a relationship with me thereafter that because I have the potential to be so irrational.
7 Sept 2008
Traveling on a (thing that’s a scooter, but standing). Around corners, cobblestone roads. I come upon a building and I am certain that I need to pass through there to reach my destination. The building is massive, with a river running through it. I travel for a great distance and realize I am lost. There are rooms filled with sick people and medical equipment. I ask someone for directions (a nurse?) and am told to turn back. That I shouldn’t have come into the building at all, but rather continued on the former road.
I turn around to get back on the road. Once there I am faced with an incredibly steep hill that surrounds the building. It’s landscaping, but for some reason, it’s so enormous that I have to swim through it. Some of the plants are very soft wheat that is easy to maneuver through. At one point I come across a dead bird (pheasant) and it makes me very upset. I desire to exit the wheat ASAP. When I decide to do this, the landscape grows more immense and the possibility of exit seems impossible. I eventually give up and have the feeling I am drowning.
As if a camera pans back, the landscape is simply that again - a normal sized landscape, then a substance in a tiny cup that I am looking at being held in someone’s hand. I realize this, but it has no impact on me.
Hotel: Corey and I sneak in. Someone else’s room. I ask to find an empty room. He obliges. We make love and declare our love to one another. somehow we were wet from being outside and were drying our close in the lobby on the heater grate. my sock falls in, but he manages to fish it and other articles of clothing out with a stick.
I am in charge of feeding a large group of people. I have no experience doing this, but for some reason, people think I am the best person for the job. I stand around and help out a little. On one of the days I realize that we don’t have enough food to feed everyone. I try to get someone to go to the store, but everyone is out doing what they would usually be doing. I panic because corey’s mom and gam are volunteers and I don’t want them to think me incompetent. Mayo, mustard packets. Hamburger fixings.
9.13.2008
I find Ben at the grocery store with a few other pilots. They are all wearing their coveralls with the redcock logo. He looked great and I said hello and he seemed surprised to see me, although he was in my hometown. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him I’d moved back.
We met each other in what I guess was my apartment. It was very small. We made love and the next day I thought he was gone. I washed dishes and chastised myself for doing the same thing over and over again. Just then, he came in to the kitchen and held me. He told me he loved me and he was so happy that now we could be together. I wondered about his wife, but I didn’t feel guilty about her.
9.14.2008
With Jenny at Rancho school. I am amazed that I am back there because I always have dreams that I am and that I have no idea when, where my classes are or where my books are. I tell this to a man who is giving us an orientation. I’m in my CNT whites with a skirt. Getting to school requires climbing up a ladder that got my skirt dirty. The orientator tells us that we have to wear our uniforms to school. I am upset because I really want to fit in with the other kids and I feel the uniform would prevent that. Jenny is with me and to my surprise, she is also in the Navy. She is a second class machinist mate. She is happy that I’m there and says “see, we’re the same.” I tell her we are not and point out that I am of higher rank than her. This makes me happy because I always felt inferior to her. I am then happy to be wearing my uniform.
At the ranch, but the ranch of my dreams. Whenever I have these dreams dad and mom are still married and Doug and I have a large part in running things. Aunt Lori is there and a group of us are in the kitchen. I look out the window and notice a cat coming up the hill through the grass. Suddenly, the cat rears up and starts walking on hind legs. I am astonished and call the group to the window to look. Suddenly, another cat comes out from the same place. This cat had three heads, one on the back, one where it should be, and one protruding from that connected by a neck. This makes me afraid because it is so different. I fear that the cats are evil and try to tell someone, but everybody thinks I am overreacting. I am very upset.
25 Sept 08
my teeth become very weak and start to fall out. First just one tooth, then a few at a time. In the end I had all my teeth in my hand and they were connected to a jawbone. Some of them were sawed down close, others remained normal size. I kept carrying these around asking people what could bee done and even putting them back in my mouth because I was embarrassed that I had not teeth.
someday in march 09
not a dream, but a thought, a revelation rather. i’m depressed because i sit on my couch and watch tv all of the time. I really want to get rid of the tv, but a comment April made one day keeps me from it. she said that i had to have a tv because it would be sad if i didn’t. like only sad people don’t have tv. i have to admit that it made sense to me. it’s weird if people don’t have tv. i don’t know why. maybe it’s that it seems that without a tv someone is disconnected from culture. am i saying that american culture is tv. i can’t say it might not be.
anyhow, back to the revalation. perhaps i wouldn’t be so tired if i excercised once in a while. i mean, maybe i’m tired because i never really wake up.
decorating:
only colors found in a garden after it rains.
names:
girls: beatrix, delores, penelope, celsa, cat, cookie, althea, rose
boys: bruce, duke, everett, tennessee, basil, sage
companies: 817, la fatoria, tenfour,
8 march 09
11 may 09
last night i dreamed that all of my teeth fell out from poor hygiene. my father examined one and declared that he could tell I'd done meth in my past. A dark ring around one of my crowns was the evidence. i was so mortified that all of my secrets would eventually be revealed. i thought this might keep me out of heaven. especially since god is supposed to see everything, even things not evidenced. sheer justice, i suppose.
there is a woman coming in the front door. she rushes in as if out of a rainstorm and removes her black coat. since there is no coat rack and she is forced to hold it - but decides better and tosses it on the floor and steps over a few pair of shoes laying in the middle of the living room next to several books on various subjects and with covers bent back as a bookmark. she begins moving things from one place to another on a filthy counter. upon further inspection, a person might find at least three empty bottles of wine, last night's cut lemons, cracker crumbs, mail - some opened, some not - a half full pot of coffee that had been sitting there so long it had a beautiful green-blue film of mold.
the woman rushing about can only think of her pending responsibilities and her health suffers from the anxiety and depression induced thereby.
is choosing to have a child despite strong genetic dispositions toward illnesses such as depression immoral? After all, a depression is similar to a mental retardation of sorts. and, even if the illness was not passed down to the child, is it fair to have child when there is a possibility of relapse where the child's health might be in jeopardy.
anyway, i feel i am being watched. i feel like any minute now a man will come in here and kill me very slowly. perhaps he already comes in here and that's what's killing me.
12 may 09
when faced with extenuating circumstances, each person has the choice to either react courageously or not. I do not believe that a person can know how they might react until actually experiencing it.
hypothetically,
If in battle you realize you are outnumbered do you retreat or fight until death?
what if you and your boyfriend were kidnapped and tortured and they said they would hurt you if you didn't throw him under the bus. Would you do it?
Saturday, May 02, 2009
sweetgum dropping stars
Bury me not in a cemetery, for they
are simply apartments for the dead.
Instead, buy a plot of land - by itself
and plant a sweetgum tree at the top of my head
so that the stars may drop and represent my journey
through the ever after.
The perimeter of the plot should be outlined with
flowers sure to perfume the air and provide a hospitable habitat for California native bees.
Cherry trees should be planted at the four
corners - North, South, East, West.
The rest should be wildflower meadow.
Not un-weeded, yet still coiffed.
No fences, but barriers.
No headstone, but a marking.
are simply apartments for the dead.
Instead, buy a plot of land - by itself
and plant a sweetgum tree at the top of my head
so that the stars may drop and represent my journey
through the ever after.
The perimeter of the plot should be outlined with
flowers sure to perfume the air and provide a hospitable habitat for California native bees.
Cherry trees should be planted at the four
corners - North, South, East, West.
The rest should be wildflower meadow.
Not un-weeded, yet still coiffed.
No fences, but barriers.
No headstone, but a marking.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
depression blues
I quit my job today. Because I couldn't do it anymore. Because the thought of waking up day after day and working for someone else's benefit was making me literally sick.
I am a slave. We are all slaves. If life is a gift, why am I not able to enjoy it? Money is a false god. Things are valuable if enjoyed. Is heaven learning to live with less? What's life if it doesn't involve the pursuit of money?
I need to think about what's real and worth attaining. I can't continue to go through my life with my eyes and heart closed.
I am a slave. We are all slaves. If life is a gift, why am I not able to enjoy it? Money is a false god. Things are valuable if enjoyed. Is heaven learning to live with less? What's life if it doesn't involve the pursuit of money?
I need to think about what's real and worth attaining. I can't continue to go through my life with my eyes and heart closed.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
up high
Cloud took the turn too tight , which made me nervous. My fingers were in danger of slipping off the 'oh sit' handle. We were driving through the mountains on the way to the coast. Redwoods and marijuana fought it out for my olfactory attention while Lou Reed assured me that it was going to be a perfect day. His voice escaped through the sunroof. I reached my hand out to catch it.
"Fog is simply low clouds. We're driving through clouds," I noticed aloud, really wondering if it was significant that clouds obscure and I was in love with a boy who sometimes left me feeling foggy.
"Yes, Trish. You're so profound," he replied.
"You're such a fucking asshole."
I turned my head and watched the roadside whip by. My face was hot with rage and I was glad the sunroof was letting in cold air. Snot rolled down the back of my throat, salty, as I tried not to cry.
"Fog is simply low clouds. We're driving through clouds," I noticed aloud, really wondering if it was significant that clouds obscure and I was in love with a boy who sometimes left me feeling foggy.
"Yes, Trish. You're so profound," he replied.
"You're such a fucking asshole."
I turned my head and watched the roadside whip by. My face was hot with rage and I was glad the sunroof was letting in cold air. Snot rolled down the back of my throat, salty, as I tried not to cry.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
the catch -23
if I knew for sure that death was any easier than life I would take it. who's to say that god or the devil would be any more merciful. History proves that absolute power corrupts... absolutely. so we all drudge through this capitalist existence, buying in, thinking ourselves mavins or pioneers. pawns, if i could be so pedestrian.
tell me whats bigger and I'll do it. Tell me what's worth it and I'll strive for it.
tell me whats bigger and I'll do it. Tell me what's worth it and I'll strive for it.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
my confession
My soul is not empty, but it is reserved. I don't readily share my passions with others. But the passion exists. And so it is released in inappropriate places. Over long distances and fallen upon def ears. I pour it into the most bottomless of pits. And I keep pouring and never get filled up.
a promise to you, nick
i've been slacking on my posts and on my pictures. henceforth, i will do my best to think and experience more so that I have material which begs to be written about and see more so that my camera has a muse.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I just don't get it
I loath people who go through life always getting in to the same sort of troubles and never realizing a pattern. I do. But recently my hatred has softened toward empathy because I, too am one of those folks.
Here's the bottom line: I just don't understand people and just when I think I do - when I have my guard down, that's when it happens. That oh, so subtle twist of the knife that leaves me wide eyed and mouth agape.
Here's the bottom line: I just don't understand people and just when I think I do - when I have my guard down, that's when it happens. That oh, so subtle twist of the knife that leaves me wide eyed and mouth agape.