dead ant

these fuckers are everywhere and i don't have enough energy to deal with them. them and flies. pests.

from the Life and times of TRISH STOWELL (the early twenties)

sometime on March of '03 while at network admin school in SD. Just before leaving for westpac.

MTV. The televised equivalent of those beauty/fashion magazines that tear at the self esteem of young women everywhere. Case in point: Sorority Life Marathon. I can't tear myself away. Why didn't I join a sorority like a normal person? I start to think people who don't do the "Greek Thing" might not make it in society. Do I do enough to foster personal growth? How are my relationships with peers?
I feel like a major underachiever. I have cellulite. I eat wrong. I have pimples. I am shit. Starting tomorrow I will launch the ultimate campaign: the campaign for myself.
1. sign up for SAT
2. take college pre-test for ship classes since I'll be on the boat for 4 months and can't do ll the things I wish I could, i.e. dance lessons, community service, etc. But it's a start.

Real sharpness comes without effort
No growth without assistance
No action without reaction
No desire without restraint
Now, give yourself up and find yourself again.

things that keep me form others

I live in a pink house with a big kitchen and lots of room to entertain. I set up a bar in my dining room. I wear dresses and skirts because everyone knows they make a girl look cute. I read and listen to NPR so that I'll have interesting topics for conversation. I know the difference between a gas and diesel engine. My favorite food has got to be barbeque and boy, is there a sadness in me if it's bad barbeque. I'd like to own a bar, but only because it wouldn't really feel like work and people will always need liqueur to keep their spirits up. Ladies don't normally care for me - I think it's my caustic nature.

10 Things I Thought I Knew For Sure

1 A cow lying down in the field or corral means rain
2 The weather always comes from the West
3 Goats make the best lawnmowers
4 I'd be married with kids by now
5 Boxed wine isn't that bad
6 My depression isn't real
7 Being at home makes me feel better
8 Extreme weather back to back (very hot followed by very cold or the inverse) means an earthquake
9 Honesty is always the best policy
10 People would love me no matter what

homecoming queen

I left the Navy with high hopes of a ticker tape parade upon my return and mounds of support from my family and friends. I didn't anticipate burning all of my bridges in less than a month and living in the HOJO on the wrong side of town.
I ask if I can come home for the 4th of July holiday, since I have nowhere to stay. "I guess" is the answer. How did I become a burden?
I now see how there can be homeless vets on the street corner with signs begging for money. I could be one of those vets. I can't find work and I'm homeless with no family support. I can't even get the VA to provide medical benefits because 1) I made too much money last year and 2) my paperwork hasn't been processed yet.
So I'm here in the HOJO on the wrong side of town feeling sorry for myself, wanting to run but not knowing where to go. I don't have my passport otherwise I'd be gone - somewhere in South America perhaps. As it is, I've settled for lots of dramamin as it's the only thing that keeps me from whole nights and days of tears. So what if I take too much.