unconscious since september

6 Sept 2008

in hotel that is run by my Aunt Gayla. I am in bed white comforter, very comfortable. nice breeze from window above my head, it blows the curtain that was white, but turns red at some angles. The waiter enters my room. I scream at him to get out, but he will not. He cites a paragraph on the hotel payment agreement that I signed which allows them to enter whenever they please. I realize that I have no privacy because it is their hotel, not mine.

I am embarrassed because the room is a mess. I try to telephone someone to help me remove the waiter, but the phone is disconnected. Also, I have a baby in the room and I am afraid that they will charge me for an extra guest if they discover the baby. I pick the baby up (boy) and dress it in white with lots of decoration. it resembles a baptism garment. The baby and I are very close. I communicate with the baby and its presence calms me.

Eventually I leave the hotel but am charged a lofty toll. I realize that I do not want to go in the direction that the toll takes me and ask for a refund on my way in the other direction. There is a confrontation between me and the toll-keeper because he does not want to give me money. Eventually, I give up because every car behind me is waiting for me to move.

earlier
i live with Lucas and he annoys me. He tells me that I have $750 in parking tickets that I need to pay on top of rent and all my other bills. I am upset that I didn’t know about the parking tickets before. I tell him that I can pay the bills from my severance pay. He lectures me about spending that money. I tell him that it’s my money and it does no good to save it and not pay bills. If I owe the money I have to pay it sooner or later. He leaves the house through the back sliding glass door. The neighbor has his yellow porch light on and is on his porch in a fur coat. It is the neighbor from SD who always wore camouflage. I lock the door after Lucas leaves and decide I will cut him off after that point. I am embarrassed that the neighbor saw me behaving so ruthlessly. I feel he will never want a relationship with me thereafter that because I have the potential to be so irrational.


7 Sept 2008

Traveling on a (thing that’s a scooter, but standing). Around corners, cobblestone roads. I come upon a building and I am certain that I need to pass through there to reach my destination. The building is massive, with a river running through it. I travel for a great distance and realize I am lost. There are rooms filled with sick people and medical equipment. I ask someone for directions (a nurse?) and am told to turn back. That I shouldn’t have come into the building at all, but rather continued on the former road.
I turn around to get back on the road. Once there I am faced with an incredibly steep hill that surrounds the building. It’s landscaping, but for some reason, it’s so enormous that I have to swim through it. Some of the plants are very soft wheat that is easy to maneuver through. At one point I come across a dead bird (pheasant) and it makes me very upset. I desire to exit the wheat ASAP. When I decide to do this, the landscape grows more immense and the possibility of exit seems impossible. I eventually give up and have the feeling I am drowning.
As if a camera pans back, the landscape is simply that again - a normal sized landscape, then a substance in a tiny cup that I am looking at being held in someone’s hand. I realize this, but it has no impact on me.

Hotel: Corey and I sneak in. Someone else’s room. I ask to find an empty room. He obliges. We make love and declare our love to one another. somehow we were wet from being outside and were drying our close in the lobby on the heater grate. my sock falls in, but he manages to fish it and other articles of clothing out with a stick.

I am in charge of feeding a large group of people. I have no experience doing this, but for some reason, people think I am the best person for the job. I stand around and help out a little. On one of the days I realize that we don’t have enough food to feed everyone. I try to get someone to go to the store, but everyone is out doing what they would usually be doing. I panic because corey’s mom and gam are volunteers and I don’t want them to think me incompetent. Mayo, mustard packets. Hamburger fixings.

9.13.2008

I find Ben at the grocery store with a few other pilots. They are all wearing their coveralls with the redcock logo. He looked great and I said hello and he seemed surprised to see me, although he was in my hometown. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him I’d moved back.
We met each other in what I guess was my apartment. It was very small. We made love and the next day I thought he was gone. I washed dishes and chastised myself for doing the same thing over and over again. Just then, he came in to the kitchen and held me. He told me he loved me and he was so happy that now we could be together. I wondered about his wife, but I didn’t feel guilty about her.


9.14.2008

With Jenny at Rancho school. I am amazed that I am back there because I always have dreams that I am and that I have no idea when, where my classes are or where my books are. I tell this to a man who is giving us an orientation. I’m in my CNT whites with a skirt. Getting to school requires climbing up a ladder that got my skirt dirty. The orientator tells us that we have to wear our uniforms to school. I am upset because I really want to fit in with the other kids and I feel the uniform would prevent that. Jenny is with me and to my surprise, she is also in the Navy. She is a second class machinist mate. She is happy that I’m there and says “see, we’re the same.” I tell her we are not and point out that I am of higher rank than her. This makes me happy because I always felt inferior to her. I am then happy to be wearing my uniform.

At the ranch, but the ranch of my dreams. Whenever I have these dreams dad and mom are still married and Doug and I have a large part in running things. Aunt Lori is there and a group of us are in the kitchen. I look out the window and notice a cat coming up the hill through the grass. Suddenly, the cat rears up and starts walking on hind legs. I am astonished and call the group to the window to look. Suddenly, another cat comes out from the same place. This cat had three heads, one on the back, one where it should be, and one protruding from that connected by a neck. This makes me afraid because it is so different. I fear that the cats are evil and try to tell someone, but everybody thinks I am overreacting. I am very upset.


25 Sept 08

my teeth become very weak and start to fall out. First just one tooth, then a few at a time. In the end I had all my teeth in my hand and they were connected to a jawbone. Some of them were sawed down close, others remained normal size. I kept carrying these around asking people what could bee done and even putting them back in my mouth because I was embarrassed that I had not teeth.


someday in march 09

not a dream, but a thought, a revelation rather. i’m depressed because i sit on my couch and watch tv all of the time. I really want to get rid of the tv, but a comment April made one day keeps me from it. she said that i had to have a tv because it would be sad if i didn’t. like only sad people don’t have tv. i have to admit that it made sense to me. it’s weird if people don’t have tv. i don’t know why. maybe it’s that it seems that without a tv someone is disconnected from culture. am i saying that american culture is tv. i can’t say it might not be.

anyhow, back to the revalation. perhaps i wouldn’t be so tired if i excercised once in a while. i mean, maybe i’m tired because i never really wake up.

decorating:
only colors found in a garden after it rains.

names:

girls: beatrix, delores, penelope, celsa, cat, cookie, althea, rose

boys: bruce, duke, everett, tennessee, basil, sage

companies: 817, la fatoria, tenfour,


8 march 09



11 may 09


last night i dreamed that all of my teeth fell out from poor hygiene. my father examined one and declared that he could tell I'd done meth in my past. A dark ring around one of my crowns was the evidence. i was so mortified that all of my secrets would eventually be revealed. i thought this might keep me out of heaven. especially since god is supposed to see everything, even things not evidenced. sheer justice, i suppose.

there is a woman coming in the front door. she rushes in as if out of a rainstorm and removes her black coat. since there is no coat rack and she is forced to hold it - but decides better and tosses it on the floor and steps over a few pair of shoes laying in the middle of the living room next to several books on various subjects and with covers bent back as a bookmark. she begins moving things from one place to another on a filthy counter. upon further inspection, a person might find at least three empty bottles of wine, last night's cut lemons, cracker crumbs, mail - some opened, some not - a half full pot of coffee that had been sitting there so long it had a beautiful green-blue film of mold.

the woman rushing about can only think of her pending responsibilities and her health suffers from the anxiety and depression induced thereby.


is choosing to have a child despite strong genetic dispositions toward illnesses such as depression immoral? After all, a depression is similar to a mental retardation of sorts. and, even if the illness was not passed down to the child, is it fair to have child when there is a possibility of relapse where the child's health might be in jeopardy.

anyway, i feel i am being watched. i feel like any minute now a man will come in here and kill me very slowly. perhaps he already comes in here and that's what's killing me.

12 may 09
when faced with extenuating circumstances, each person has the choice to either react courageously or not. I do not believe that a person can know how they might react until actually experiencing it.
hypothetically,
If in battle you realize you are outnumbered do you retreat or fight until death?
what if you and your boyfriend were kidnapped and tortured and they said they would hurt you if you didn't throw him under the bus. Would you do it?

sweetgum dropping stars

Bury me not in a cemetery, for they
are simply apartments for the dead.
Instead, buy a plot of land - by itself
and plant a sweetgum tree at the top of my head

so that the stars may drop and represent my journey
through the ever after.
The perimeter of the plot should be outlined with
flowers sure to perfume the air and provide a hospitable habitat for California native bees.
Cherry trees should be planted at the four
corners - North, South, East, West.

The rest should be wildflower meadow.
Not un-weeded, yet still coiffed.
No fences, but barriers.
No headstone, but a marking.