glamour
i've wanted to be an alcoholic ever since i was old enough to have an eating disorder. my love affair with self-destruction began at birth, i guess. one of my first memories is being on "time out" when i was 3yrs old and thinking my thighs were fat. it made me so sad that i attempted (at the age of 3!) to stick a key into a light socket. additionally, my favorite childhood playtime props was either a white or brown crayon that i pretended were cigarettes. and remember candy cigaretts? my mom even used to light them on fire.
all of my life, i have thought nothing as glamorous as self destructive acts. maybe it was because i grew up in the eighties when self-loathing was pop culture. could i, as a toddler, have been affected by the fast paced cocaine lifestyle that my parents lived? it was nothing to find a mirror, tiny straw, and a razor in my mothers purse, for my father to bring home some big-breasted blonde while my mother was out of town. i guess if a child grows up with that sort of influence, it's likely to have some effect.